Slow it Down
by Ahoy-Cinderella
Summary: / S15 - 'Internal Affairs' centric. / "He tried to act normal, like he wasn't just away in a world of darkness thinking what could've happened if they really had pulled the trigger tonight."


_**well hello.**_

 _ **I watched Internal Affairs (s15e04) and then this happened.**_

 _ **It's been a while since I've done a one-shot so please let me know what you think. like extra please.**_

 _ **anyone still following my fic writing from the back in the dark ages, I really fucking love you.**_

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 _And if the world should spin too fast_  
 _I'll slow it down for you_

 _._

"You okay?"

Her hand pressed against his back as they finally, exhaustedly, stumbled through the door to their new home. The apartment was almost finished, there were still a few cardboard boxes kicking around the floor and the odd piece of furniture still out of place.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good." Brian reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze, "I'm gonna jump in the shower"

"Okay" Olivia nodded and watched as he turned away from her and navigated his way through their new apartment.

She made her way into the kitchen and filled the kettle with water, her mind replayed the scene of her boyfriend being held at gunpoint by the water over and over again. God only knows what would've happened if they hadn't turned up when they did. What if West and Quinn had really shot him? It seems strangely fitting that gunshots propelled their relationship forward and now almost ended it.

As she pottered around in the kitchen, filling her mug with water, making an extra mug for Brian, even though she knew he would scoff and question her choice of making him a mug of herbal tea. He'd drink it anyway, she knew he would, If she asked him to do it, there was no doubt in her mind that he would, no matter what it was she that asked of him.

She thought back to her exchange with Quinn. A female cop, partnered with a man she would do anything for, literally anything. Olivia knew what that felt like, she would never let anyone get away with the likes of rape as Quinn did but she knew what it felt like, to be by a man's side day in and day out, feeling like you would literally give your life for this other human being.

Olivia had been partnered with Elliot for so long that her feelings just felt natural, she had thought that what she felt was love. She loved him as a friend first, as a brother of sorts, the same way she loved Munch and Fin but along the way things changed and yet she knew nothing would happen, Elliot had a wife, he had four children, she knew realistically that nothing would come of it but there was still a tiny flicker of hope somewhere deep down in the back of her mind. It took him leaving her without a word for her to realise that what she felt wasn't real love. It was a fantasy of sorts, spending so much time with another person that you couldn't imagine them never being in your life.

After he left she realised how much of her life she had wasted waiting for things to change, even though deep down she knew they never would. Unfortunately for Quinn, she never got to reach that point. She covered for her partner while he did the most degrading things to other women, just waiting in the car, hoping that he would one day thank her by leaving his family for her so that they could have a happily ever after.

Olivia had never been that naïve. She knew nothing would happen between her and Elliot. When he left, he walked out of her life and everything changed; she had found new colleagues, people she considered friends, a new partner, a successful relationship. It had been so long since she had been in a proper relationship - or even had a successful date – that when Brian came back into her life she had never expected it to go anywhere real, neither had he. They were both dedicated to the job before anything else, but over time they both came to realise that maybe the job wasn't everything anymore.

As she sat at the counter, the water of the shower playing as background noise Olivia looked around her new apartment - _their_ new apartment and thought about how if Elliot had never left, all of this wouldn't exist.

Would Lewis still have happened? If Elliot hadn't left then Amaro and Rollins may never have been transferred in to SVU, Amanda wouldn't have been in the park the day that Lewis was first caught, she never would've called them all into the precinct, Alice Parker might never have died, Lewis would never have been in her apartment, she never would've endured those three days of hell.

Even if all of that had still happened, would she have ever met Brian again? Their paths may never have crossed, how would she have coped with the Lewis situation if she never had Brian by her side? It was simple really,

She wouldn't have.

Brian had been her rock from day one, from the day she was found to right now he had held her when she cried, brought her back to reality when the grip of a nightmare or a flashback that felt so real had taken over her, he had stayed awake with her when she couldn't bare to close her eyes knowing that when she did all she would see was his face. Looking back over the last few months, Olivia shivered and shook herself free from the thought of being without him. She knew she was strong, independent and all of those other words people constantly threw around to describe her, but being all of those things didn't help when it came to getting over something like what she had been through. There had been days when she had just wanted to end it all, to take a blade to her skin or a handful of pills but Brian was there to pull her back.

She felt sorry for Officer Quinn. What kind of life would she be leading if West had left her? Would she be married with a family? Would she have worked her way up the ranks? It didn't matter now, now she was heading to prison. All because she let her feelings for her partner take over.

 _You know I loved a girl_  
 _Who said that I could change the world_  
 _If only I was brave enough_

 _To live the life in front of me_

As he left the bathroom, his skin still damp, a dark blue towel tied around his waist, Brian flicked the bedroom lights on and pulled clean clothes from the drawers, he threw his dark grey t-shirt – the now mostly faded NYPD logo still slightly visible – onto Olivia's side of the bed, knowing she would be wearing one of his shirts to bed tonight.

As he turned he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, his skin still slightly tinged pink from the scalding water he had used in the shower. What really caught his eye was his chest, the two vaguely raised marks that were now tattooed on his body forever, the marred skin still sensitive to the touch where two bullets were removed from his body almost two years ago.

He stood and stared at the scars reflected back at him in the mirror, tonight could have ended very differently. Instead of standing in his new home with his girlfriend in the other room he could've been in back in a hospital, his blood flowing free from his body like it had not that long ago while doctors and nurses did their best to save his life.

Getting shot had changed him, it had changed him a lot more than he ever imagined it would and most of that was down to Olivia. If she wasn't in his life, he wouldn't have bothered about getting better, he probably would've rushed his physical therapy, gone back to work far too early and gotten himself injured again and that would've been him, out of the force for good.

She had kept him on track, stopped him from falling down the rabbit hole that so many injured cops did when they didn't have the job to distract them from what they saw as the real world. She had taken care of him, made sure he took his medication, did his exercises and stretches that had been branded as 'homework' by his physical therapist. Their relationship had soared while he was out injured, he had all this time with nothing to do and all he knew he wanted was that he wanted to see her, to spend more time with her so they would arrange times to spend together – all around her work schedule – and it was in those stolen moments with each other that he had come to realise that maybe being a cop wasn't all he wanted from life anymore.

He had been fascinated by detective Olivia Benson back in the day, she was this unattainable dream girl and he was completely head over heels for her but life had scarred him, working undercover, seeing the worst that humanity had to offer had changed him, he no longer saw so much of the good in life, until she had surprisingly blown back into his life. She didn't have to do the things she did for him when he was injured, they had only been back in each other's lives barely a month and had slept together twice. She could've just walked away, went back to her life as it was then but she didn't, even when he didn't want her to fuss or bother about him, she did. There were days where she would work all day and well into the night, chasing down the scum of the earth only to end up at his apartment, making sure he had stuck to his routine of therapy and rest. She didn't have to do any of the stuff she had done for him, but he would be forever grateful that she did.

 _Twist your hand into mine_  
 _Don't you leave this behind_  
 _If we're losing time_

 _I'll slow it down for you_

"Bri?" Olivia popped her head through the door, two mugs now in her hands.

Brian's thoughts were broken; his gaze quickly shifted from his half naked reflection in the mirror to the stunning brunette in the doorway.

"You okay?" She asked, placing the steaming mugs down on the dresser before reaching for his arm.

He tried to act normal, like he wasn't just away in a world of darkness thinking what could've happened if they really had pulled the trigger tonight. He grabbed his sweatpants from the bed and shrugged them on before picked up his shirt and nodded at her, a fake smile on his mouth.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Liv. I feel better now after that shower" He smiled.

She smiled back and pulled the shirt from his hands, her left hand reached up and covered the scarred skin on his shoulder that was made from one of the bullets the last time he was shot.

He flinched as he hand came into contact with the scar "I'm fine" He muttered.

"Stop, Bri" She put her hand on his shoulder and forced him to look at her. "That can't have been easy, being held a gunpoint again." She said quietly, her hand moving slowly over his chest.

"I'm a cop. It goes with the job. It's not the first time, probably wont be the last" He mumbled as he pulled the shirt back from her hands and shrugged it on.

"You can't just pretend it didn't happen"

"I'm not"

"Then talk to me" Olivia held his head in her hands, forcing him to look at her.

"I'm fine. Honestly" He stood closer to her and wrapped his arms around her body, linking his fingers behind her back "It wasn't the most delightful experience I'll give you that…" He joked.

Olivia sighed and gazed at the floor "Bri…"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Liv." He gently squeezed her body to his "It happened, you saved me like the badass you are," He grinned and kissed her forehead. "I'm a little shaken but I'll be okay"

"When your wire went dead…" He could practically hear the lump rising in her throat. "I thought…"

"Its okay" He pulled her as close to him as possible, wrapping her in a tight hug. His mouth moved to the side of her head and he pressed three kisses into her hair before whispering in her ear "I'm okay. I'm right here"

Her arms tightened around his neck, she sighed against his skin and tried to stop the tears from coming. "I was so scared."

Brian pulled back and cupped her face with one hand, his thumb gently tracing her defined cheekbone. "Hey" He whispered. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

Since her attack she had panicked every time he left the apartment, for herself and even more for him. She didn't think he knew that even now, months later it still happened. Every time he left for work or even just nipped out to the store, she would have a fight with her brain, it trying to convince her that he was never coming back, that he was leaving her for good, that he had put up with her for long enough and was bored of dealing with her nightmares and crying and had gone to find someone better. Even though time and time again he had told her that there would never be anyone better that no matter what happened to her or to him he would always show up for her.

Olivia nodded and smiled, with the tears shining in her eyes she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his, immediately feeling better knowing that he was right here with her, in their bedroom, in her arms.

"It can't have been that easy for you either, I heard your interview with Quinn." He said quietly, tucking her short hair behind her ears, "You knew how she felt."

"I did." She nodded "But I have my limits, I never would have…"

"I know. You never would've let anyone get away with anything like that, no matter how much you cared."

Her hands clasped around his back, her fingers slowly stroking up and down his spine. "You know I don't feel like that now though, right?" She questioned, hoping he knew that whatever she had felt for Elliot in the past was gone. He was all that mattered to her now.

Brian nodded "I know"

"I don't…for him, what I…it's not the same as what we have." Olivia struggled to find the words to describe how she felt; she knew she could have just told him she loved him, because she did. Olivia Benson loved Brian Cassidy.

"You don't have to explain, Liv" Brian started, he had known her for long enough to know that she wasn't the most forthcoming with her emotions and even more now after everything Lewis had put her through.

"I know but I need you to know," She started, her hands now grabbing his shirt making him look her dead in the eyes "It's not the same. Nothing happened between us…ever. And what _we_ have, it's more."

"Liv…"

"It's just more." She smiled softly, "Those feelings, they're nothing compared to this. Yeah, it hurt when he walked away without a word and I was sad and angry and I felt let down and betrayed but us…I couldn't imagine there not being an us."

"Well its good thing you wont have to then isn't it?" Brian grinned and pulled her in for a kiss, both of them smiling against each other's mouths.

"Come on, I'll let you pick the movie" He smirked at her and pulled her with him out of the bedroom and back towards the living area, "I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while."

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 ** _THANKS FOR READING!_**

 ** _please leave a review below and let me know what you think_**

 ** _Lyrics: Slow it Down - Goo Goo Dolls_**

 ** _Twitter: ahoycinderella_**


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